Body Dysmorphia - A Man’s Perspective
Dan Burton, BScPharm, PharmD, CAC, APA, CDE, CBE
Founder of Healthcare Evolution
Co-Host of Big Fat Facts Podcast
www.healthcareevolve.ca
Body Dysmorphia - is a mental health condition where a person spends a significant amount of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. Oftentimes these flaws are unnoticeable to others.
Reading that one might think every single human on the planet has suffered with Body Dysmorphia. You wouldn’t necessarily be wrong. We can debate societal standards, but fundamentally we all have been self conscious about some aspect of our bodies. The difference between being self-conscious and having the actual mental health condition would come down to the maladaptive thoughts and behaviours that are associated with it.
For me my entire body was flawed. I believed I was small, lacked muscle development, had too much fat, you name it. I picked my body apart. My body was never enough. I was never enough.
Growing up, Arnold Schwarzenegger was my idol. The Terminator to this day is still one of my favourite movies. From that early childhood hero I believed the ideal male body type had to include big shoulders, arms, and 6-pack abs. You weren’t male otherwise, you were weak and wouldn’t amount to anything. I believe if I could achieve that THEN I would be somebody. Then I would get the girls. Then I would be worthy. Combine that with a kid who was a little heavier and considered overweight, who was teased and told he needed to lose his baby fat. You then had a perfect breeding ground for body dysmorphia.
I started with push-ups. When I was old enough I started working out at the local YMCA. Starting with the circuit machines, doing endless amounts of cardio and really anything to try and lose weight and gain muscle. Really I was a fish out of water and I had no idea what I was doing. Eventually, I moved into the weight room and I got a little better with form and technique with the help of a personal trainer here and there, but still hadn’t really figured out the secret.
At 16 years old, I was assaulted at a party. The gentlemen who decided to beat me up that night broke my jaw. Subsequently my jaw was wired shut for 6 weeks. Everything I consumed had to be through a straw, including my Christmas dinner. Over the next 6 weeks I lost ~25 pounds. Now I had other problems: 1) A fear of someone trying to hurt me again. 2) I was suddenly getting attention from girls, and some of the teasing at school stopped. Now I had more fuel to throw on the fire. I became more serious about working out. I started reading, about various training splits and regimens, supplements, etc. Anything to have a body like Arnie. I believed that would solve all of my problems.
Again, I spent another few years training but not really making any progress. It wasn’t until I met one of my very good friends that he showed me the most important aspect which was diet. To grow you had to eat; a lot. So I did, and over the matter of a few months I gained a significant amount of muscle mass and fat. I finally provided my muscles the nutrients they had been dying for. As I entered University I became very aware of how to manipulate my diet and macros to lose fat and gain muscle. So the cycle started. I would gain as much as I could over 3-4 months then I would try to cut the fat over the next 3-4 months. Up and down. Never satisfied. Constantly critiquing, spending hours in the gym seeking my elusive physique that would never come.
I thought I was ‘healthy’. How could I not be? I was working out all the time and eating healthy food. What more could I want. On the outside I might have looked healthy but on the inside in my mind was a different story.
I believe one of my saving graces was that I enjoyed learning and my education just a little bit more than working out. When I entered pharmacy school I fell in love with helping people. Over time my focus began to shift. It wasn’t until I completed my Doctor of Pharmacy degree did I realize that I am more than just my body. That I am worthy and I am meant to do more than just workout and have a physique like Arnie.
To this day it is still an aspect of myself that I am working on - the gym has become more about my health and mental well being vs. my physique. Will I ever be cured of Body Dysmorphia? No. I don’t believe a cure is possible. It will always be there, at the back of my mind. However, as I grow and learn to love myself more the voices that told me I needed to have a physique like Arnie will become quieter. They will always be there. There will be days where life happens and they will try to consume me again, but those days will continue to become fewer and farther between.